Do You Trust Me?

This hits me hard when I read it - even time after time. I get that feeling, you know the one, where you can feel the tingle between your eyes like you'll cry at any moment (though to be fair, I get that feeling a lot lately).

It's scary to put those thoughts out there. I don't exactly practice the "every Sunday" part of my Catholic upbring. And as I got older, I feel like I lean a lot more to basic Christianity than the stricter Catholic following. But please don't ever confuse that to mean I don't believe in God, for that couldn't be further from the truth.

But, do I believe strong enough in His plan? Do our fertility struggles mean He doesn't want this for me? Does he think I'd be an awful mother? And... just WHY?

But at the end of the day, I have to trust in something. God, for sure. Medicine, definitely. Patience, oh boy...

We're coming to a close of the two week wait (affectionately known as TWW). We should really just call it hell. Seriously. Actually, it's like limbo. You are to act/do as if you ARE pregnant. You have massive amounts of hormones going through your body - so you are mimicing signs of pregnancy. Yet you're still waiting on the actual news that will hopefully change your life.  There's a cruel joke in there somewhere, I swear.

I'm pretty sure there were at least 30 days in the last two weeks. Definitely felt longer than last time. Maybe cause I've been there before.  Because I've gotten that phone call.  The one you pick up with a cautiously optimistic and a little excited "Hello?", only to hear the "Oh, Dana, I wish I had better news...." on the other end. Then trying desperately to ask what you need to ask before the ugly sobs start.

So here's the thing... this post, I'm not really complaining. Just being real. Seriously, if you could hear my thoughts sometimes... Emotionally, this is the hardest thing I've ever done.

But here goes nothing... "Beta" test Monday morning - results by 3 the same day. And BREATHE...

Here We Go Again

After getting the negative pregnancy bloodwork results on Friday, we went back and forth a few times on whether to start back up with my next cycle. 

Day 1 hit like clockwork this Monday, so once we settled some insurance questions (my plan restarts April 1, so we were being responsible and figuring out deductible math) we decided to continue our momentum and start on attempt #2 right away. 

And away we go... I just got back from my Day 3 baseline test.  Since I JUST had a bloodtest, I didn't even need bloodwork (nice to give those veins a rest now and then ;). Just an ultrasound to check around that everything is "ready" to go and make sure there were no cysts.

ALL CLEAR!

I start taking the Clomid tonight thru Sunday and continue with the injections on Day 9, an ultrasound on 11 to check follicle count and hopefully the "trigger" shot that night.  Same course as last time (unless something happens between now and then), if you've been following along. ;)

Then, our 2nd IUI procedure will be around Day 14, and then the dreaded LOOOOOONG two week wait before my "Beta" (pregnancy) bloodwork. 

Funny thing is - that's just a repeat of our last 4 weeks and it feels like FOREVER since the beginning.

But... only way to go is onward. Fingers crossed, hopes in check.... xo