Beta Day

IUI day and the TWW week have come and gone. Today, I went for my Beta blood test and the most agonizing wait until the results call (between 12-3) begins.

It's been a rough 2 weeks. More than previous times, I've been in some moderate amount of discomfort. And though my googling fingers will say that it could all be an early sign of pregnancy, I'm prepared for the worst.  I've never gotten that GOOD call, so it's easier to picture a negative than the overwhelming postive.

I've been thinking (stressing) a lot lately about what to tell to who and when. They down side of putting this story out there is that you all know when these tests are. But even IF there is a positive today, I will need at least 2 more blood tests to confirm viability over the course of the next week. Also, don't you think our parents should know first (and only after confirmed)? I certainly do. So, in other words - consider no news, good news and you'll know when you know. ;) (And, note, thank you for caring.)

As this cycle comes to a close, I feel oddly at peace. I thought a lot over the last two weeks and after discussing with Mike (who really just refers to me in these situations), we decided that if it is negative, we're talking this summer "off". Insurance will only allow 4 per year (which honestly, is plenty to do to a body!) and with only 3 left until April 2018 - we'd have to break at some point anyway. Now, OF COURSE I want that big fat positive (BFP). But I feel also at peace with a break to let my body (and mind) recover from a very stressful first part of this year. We've been testing and having procedures since October, so having some time to "regroup" before starting any additional necessary procedures feels like the right thing to do.  Although... so does planning a nursery. ;)

Thinking happy, positive thoughts! xo

Sometimes, I Miss Me...

The Clomid is kicking my tush this month! I'm sure my husband could tell you differently (he wouldn't - but probably could), but this is the first month I've felt that the medication is make me, um, "short fused". Seriously, everything has set me off. Of course I think I'm being perfectly rational that I became irritated Mike opened 3 sodas in one day. Alright, I literally LOL'd at that one.  Glad that's over - took my last dose of the cycle last night.

But anyway - the hormones are in full swing this month. I was having a particularly reflective day yesterday and came across an infertility support blog/page called missconception.com. A few posts really spoke to me, but nothing compares to this. 

Sometimes, I Miss Me 

I don't always feel like the same old girl who was carefree, spontaneous and adventurous, who you used to know. Now I often feel scared, worried and anxious. There haven't been many months that have gone by where I haven't cried because of these feelings and how desperate I am for this to all go away. I hate having to deal with infertility and I hate that you have to deal with it too. 

She is still there, a bit buried, but still there. She has never fought so hard for something in her life and is surprised sometimes of this strength. She will keep fighting because that's all she can do. She will let the support and comfort of those that love her in. She will remember it will get better. She will hold onto the hope that she sees all around her.

So, this. So so so much of this.

This reflectiveness comes in waves mind you. I'm not sitting crying all the time. Sometimes I'm stalking Pinterest for nursery ideas (hence, how my hopes get raised) and reading every little thing on child development. Ya see, I'm planning for success.  ;)

I guess I shoulda said - my initial ultrasound of this cycle looked fine last week and we're in full swing of attempt #3. Oops... way to bury the lead.  Anyway, day 8 now - Follistim injection tomorrow and Dr. Mottla doubled my dosage this month. This should increase the number and quality of ideal sized follicles. Though hopefully, not too many... Shady Grove's goal is ONE healthy baby. Especially "at our age". (And yeah, how odd is it to say those words... I swear I just graduated college.)

Next monitoring appointment set for Sunday to check said follicle count - and hopefully IUI #3 Tuesday or Wednesday.

Till then...

Do You Trust Me?

This hits me hard when I read it - even time after time. I get that feeling, you know the one, where you can feel the tingle between your eyes like you'll cry at any moment (though to be fair, I get that feeling a lot lately).

It's scary to put those thoughts out there. I don't exactly practice the "every Sunday" part of my Catholic upbring. And as I got older, I feel like I lean a lot more to basic Christianity than the stricter Catholic following. But please don't ever confuse that to mean I don't believe in God, for that couldn't be further from the truth.

But, do I believe strong enough in His plan? Do our fertility struggles mean He doesn't want this for me? Does he think I'd be an awful mother? And... just WHY?

But at the end of the day, I have to trust in something. God, for sure. Medicine, definitely. Patience, oh boy...

We're coming to a close of the two week wait (affectionately known as TWW). We should really just call it hell. Seriously. Actually, it's like limbo. You are to act/do as if you ARE pregnant. You have massive amounts of hormones going through your body - so you are mimicing signs of pregnancy. Yet you're still waiting on the actual news that will hopefully change your life.  There's a cruel joke in there somewhere, I swear.

I'm pretty sure there were at least 30 days in the last two weeks. Definitely felt longer than last time. Maybe cause I've been there before.  Because I've gotten that phone call.  The one you pick up with a cautiously optimistic and a little excited "Hello?", only to hear the "Oh, Dana, I wish I had better news...." on the other end. Then trying desperately to ask what you need to ask before the ugly sobs start.

So here's the thing... this post, I'm not really complaining. Just being real. Seriously, if you could hear my thoughts sometimes... Emotionally, this is the hardest thing I've ever done.

But here goes nothing... "Beta" test Monday morning - results by 3 the same day. And BREATHE...

Here We Go Again

After getting the negative pregnancy bloodwork results on Friday, we went back and forth a few times on whether to start back up with my next cycle. 

Day 1 hit like clockwork this Monday, so once we settled some insurance questions (my plan restarts April 1, so we were being responsible and figuring out deductible math) we decided to continue our momentum and start on attempt #2 right away. 

And away we go... I just got back from my Day 3 baseline test.  Since I JUST had a bloodtest, I didn't even need bloodwork (nice to give those veins a rest now and then ;). Just an ultrasound to check around that everything is "ready" to go and make sure there were no cysts.

ALL CLEAR!

I start taking the Clomid tonight thru Sunday and continue with the injections on Day 9, an ultrasound on 11 to check follicle count and hopefully the "trigger" shot that night.  Same course as last time (unless something happens between now and then), if you've been following along. ;)

Then, our 2nd IUI procedure will be around Day 14, and then the dreaded LOOOOOONG two week wait before my "Beta" (pregnancy) bloodwork. 

Funny thing is - that's just a repeat of our last 4 weeks and it feels like FOREVER since the beginning.

But... only way to go is onward. Fingers crossed, hopes in check.... xo

Time to Re-Group

Yesterday, we received the news that our first IUI procedure was unsuccessful. And while highly common for the first attempt to not result in pregnancy, the disappointment is very, very real. 

I tried to keep a level head thru the last two weeks, but hopes and excitement inevitably got raised as time went on. And now...well now, we restart when ready. 

I've learned so much about myself through this process. I've learned how strong I can actually be, I've learned how I deal with some truly devestating disappointment (for better or worse) and I've learned that my husband truly can see me at worst and hug away the tears. 

And though tears may appear at a seemingly random time, I am TRYING to keep a good outlook and my hopes up. 

And now, we wait...

Friday proved to be an intersting day, to say the least. We DID in fact get that call from the Dr. on Wednesday that we were a go! So it was a trigger injection on Wednesday, "day of rest" on Thursday, and procedure on Friday.

Although I was nervous to boot, the procedure went very smoothly. That said, I was in pain the rest of the day. I wasn't expecting to have that much cramping... I only made it through a little over an hour back at work before I had to lay down. Fetal position was really the only way to be comfortable.

I woke up Saturday so much better. Feel strange - but better!

But now, we wait... the dreaded 2 weeks in between procedure and bloodtest.

And though I'm CAUTIOUSLY excited, I'm more of a realist and the chances of the first IUI actually working are only 18-20%.

So March 10th we'll know for sure. Here's hoping for a quick 2 weeks! :)

Day 11 | Just. Got. Real.

Had my day 11 blood work and ultrasound this morning... I almost cried when the Technician told me the I had a follicle ready for trigger.

Met with the nurse for further instructions and she said if the bloodwork comes back good this afternoon, I'll be giving myself the trigger injection this evening and to go ahead and make the appointment(s) for our IUI procedure Friday morning. So. Many. Emotions. But I don't want to get ahead of myself.

As I sit at the pharmacy waiting for a Rx to be filled (they want my lining a little thicker, most likely thinned by the Clomid), I'm consumed with how far we've come. It'll be 28 months, almost to the day, since we've started trying. I know I didn't think it would take this long or that this is the route we'd have to travel. But we're almost there. So close I can just about see it.

I am cautiously hopeful. It's so hard not to be down right giddy about today's news, but on the other hand - there's still A LOT that has to go right. I take comfort in knowing we've made it this far.

On a side note, this Friday is Mike and I's 5th anniversary of our "4th first date"... so the day we officially got back together. This day is already pretty special (known as the day we both got our heads out of our asses ;), but to possibly conceive a baby on the same date would truly make my heart soar.

Anxiously waiting this afternoon's phone call from the doc. Fingers crossed.

Day 9 | Injection Day!

This day came up faster than I wanted! ;)

At the beginning of this process, I was not a fan of needles. Ok, still not, though I'm a pro at giving blood at this point.  But there's something that feels very wrong about stabbing yourself with a needle, LOL.

That said, as expected, the anticipation was much, much worse than the prick. All done for the day and now we move on...

Wednesday (Day 11) will be my follow-up bloodwork and ultrasound, where they'll take a look at how the clomid and the Follistim "worked". Hopefully everything is on track and we'll be having our first IUI treatment by the end of the week!

It's crazy to me how "up in the air" everything is until it's "go time". I mean, I definitely get it. There's so many "what if" factors - but it's just nuts to have all the contingency plans.

So, good thoughts people. Only good thoughts this week. :)

On a side note: this process became very, very real after giving myself an injection. Not that the plethora of tests and Rx wasn't real - but I have to tell you, I woulda give myself a needle for any other reason!

Day 3 | All Systems... GO!

Today was an exciting day!

As day 3 of my cycle, I had a doctor's appointment this morning for  baseline bloodwork and an ultrasound. By afternoon I received word that everything looks good to start the process!


So this means that starting today (and through day 7) I'll be taking Clomid. After that will be the injections, but let's not think about that yet. ;)

I really can not express how much I appreciate the ongoing support. There are a handful of friends who constantly ask and check-in on me and it truly means the world to me. Knowing you're in our corner gives me much-needed strength.

Getting Pregnant with a Hormonal Imbalance

I love the emails I get from Shady Grove, but I especially love the emails that speak directly about the issues we're currently having. Today's was no exception...

9 MUST-READ FAQS ABOUT HORMONAL IMBALANCES AND TRYING TO GET PREGNANT

Since I've been on the Vitamin D supplements and the Dostinex (for lowering my prolactin levels) - my cycles have shortened to normal length and consistency. So if anything, that can't hurt the process!

Coping with Infertility During the Holidays

I LOVE seeing our families over the holidays (and always!). And I love to celebrate all of life's little joys with the people we love. But, I'm not afraid to admit, that's it's difficult. And sometimes, there's people who just don't understand how much.

So getting Shady Grove's email today certainly helped me feel OK with the fact that it's OK to feel the way I do.

I’M IN NO MOOD FOR MERRIMENT… COPING WITH INFERTILITY AND THE HOLIDAYS

All that said... it's a lot easier going into the holidays knowing we're on a path to (hopeful) success!