All the Feelings...

Though the last post was a little emotion-less, filled with our background and medical details, this situation is anything but.

I can't remember anything I've wanted for longer than a baby and family of my own. I found the "not perfect, but perfect for me" guy and it took us a little longer than most to get our acts together. But he is a GOOD man who loves me, and for that I am more than thankful.  He is more than I deserve sometimes. So when I go on (and on) about this being hard, and something I've wanted my entire life - don't think for a second I take him or our marriage for granted.

It's just... we had plans. Great big dreams to be amazing parents.

I am in better place than I was 2 months ago (definitely) and probably better than a month ago. We are working towards a solution. We are doing what needs to be done at the moment. And honestly, telling myself that over and over does help. But during the nights I can't sleep, or something (anything) makes me think a little too much about all this, I've broken on more than one occasion.

I am heart-broken. It's really the only way to describe it. Times I honestly can't catch my breath at the thought of not being a mom. So... when I talk to you, and seem distant from the situation - it's more of a coping mechanism than anything else. That... and I'm trying desperately not to cry.

I refuse to think that it is God's plan for us not to be parents. So I will give as much blood as they want to test, take any pill they want to give me and give up whatever I need to. Throw it at me and I'll do it. Because if there is one thing worth the fight, this is it.