A Few Moments of Reflection...

This weekend definitely brought a lot of feelings to the surface.

Saturday we celebrated the anticipation of a new baby coming into the family. And while my joy over another's happiness/blessing is never meant to be shadowed, my emotions were definitely all over the place (couldn't possibly be all the hormones, could it?! ;).

While driving around with my mom, I expressed a thought... what if this doesn't happen. And then it happens. A knot forms in my throat and I can't breathe.

I have seen this "Happiness" quote in some way or another for awhile. But only recently does it hit home in a way I never thought of.

I have a truly beautiful and blessed life.

A big crazy beautiful extended family, some truly life-long friendships, a roof over my head, a job I enjoy, and a cute pup to boot. And (best for) lastly, a husband who truly adores me - and looks at me that way that every young girl dreams of being looked at. Like, how Disney princes look at their princesses.

So, I'm blessed in more ways I can count.

But never before in my wildest nightmares did I factor in NOT being a mother. It went without saying.

So it's hard to even put into words the hurt I feel when I dream I've wanted for so long (and spent years finding the right guy to dream along with) is just out of reach even though I am doing everything I possibly can to make it happen.

But that's just it, isn't it. "...doing everything I (we) possibly can...". It's out of our hands. We've taken the cues and sought out help for our infertility. A step that was just as, if not scarier, than all the actual treatment/procedures. The future is up to a higher power that we just can't explain.

Here We Go Again

After getting the negative pregnancy bloodwork results on Friday, we went back and forth a few times on whether to start back up with my next cycle. 

Day 1 hit like clockwork this Monday, so once we settled some insurance questions (my plan restarts April 1, so we were being responsible and figuring out deductible math) we decided to continue our momentum and start on attempt #2 right away. 

And away we go... I just got back from my Day 3 baseline test.  Since I JUST had a bloodtest, I didn't even need bloodwork (nice to give those veins a rest now and then ;). Just an ultrasound to check around that everything is "ready" to go and make sure there were no cysts.

ALL CLEAR!

I start taking the Clomid tonight thru Sunday and continue with the injections on Day 9, an ultrasound on 11 to check follicle count and hopefully the "trigger" shot that night.  Same course as last time (unless something happens between now and then), if you've been following along. ;)

Then, our 2nd IUI procedure will be around Day 14, and then the dreaded LOOOOOONG two week wait before my "Beta" (pregnancy) bloodwork. 

Funny thing is - that's just a repeat of our last 4 weeks and it feels like FOREVER since the beginning.

But... only way to go is onward. Fingers crossed, hopes in check.... xo

Time to Re-Group

Yesterday, we received the news that our first IUI procedure was unsuccessful. And while highly common for the first attempt to not result in pregnancy, the disappointment is very, very real. 

I tried to keep a level head thru the last two weeks, but hopes and excitement inevitably got raised as time went on. And now...well now, we restart when ready. 

I've learned so much about myself through this process. I've learned how strong I can actually be, I've learned how I deal with some truly devestating disappointment (for better or worse) and I've learned that my husband truly can see me at worst and hug away the tears. 

And though tears may appear at a seemingly random time, I am TRYING to keep a good outlook and my hopes up.