A twisted sense of relief...

I am miscarrying... and this gives me a very twisted sense of relief.

Tuesday's numbers did rise, but only to 307 (+3%). SO - I had an appointment Wednesday for MORE blood work and an ultrasound to try and find the sac of cells, whose location would give us a hint of miscarriage vs. ectopic pregnancy.

The u/s was pretty inconclusive, since they couldn't find any sac - so we needed to wait for the blood work. Results were then down to 224. This decline almost confirms a miscarriage (rather than ectopic, which would be much more serious). I am scheduled for my next blood draw Friday morning while we're up in PA.

So those are the facts... the emotional toll however is... ::::sigh::::

As you can imagine, we are devastated. It's everything that we hoped for, so close, but gone too way too soon. This has been such a long week of extreme up and downs. In a way, I'm "happy" (?) we kinda knew what was coming since Friday - it's given me time to grieve.

I hope you forgive the randomness of this post, my mind is all over the place.

Even given the outcome, I have to keep positive. WE MADE A BABY! That's something. Now, to be fair, I didn't come to that realization on my own. But while I was feeling down and out, a couple of my friends (and my nurse) brought me that perspective (Amanda, I know you're reading this, so thank you...).

I've said it before, I'll say it again, the support has been uplifting on so many levels. From random people who I haven't spoken to in years - who've reached out to say they were thinking about me, to the handful of friends who I feel lucky enough to be able to lean on, vent to or sometime talk about ANYTHING else to make me feel normal. 

This struggle is difficult, and sometimes I feel like this has taken over my life, not to mention my marriage. The tracking, the monitoring, the blood tests, the drug and injection schedule -  they can certainly take over a life.

Especially now, it's time for a break. I will never not want a baby of my own. I will forever be wanting to be a mom. But, after 36 months of trying and 7 months of testing and procedures, this girl's mind, body and soul need a recharge. Some perspective. Some time that does not revolve around my next appointment or injection. And doesn't summer seem to be a beautiful time to recharge, with nights on the patio with a cocktail?

Keep praying my friends. We're not done trying yet.

xoxo

Beta Day

IUI day and the TWW week have come and gone. Today, I went for my Beta blood test and the most agonizing wait until the results call (between 12-3) begins.

It's been a rough 2 weeks. More than previous times, I've been in some moderate amount of discomfort. And though my googling fingers will say that it could all be an early sign of pregnancy, I'm prepared for the worst.  I've never gotten that GOOD call, so it's easier to picture a negative than the overwhelming postive.

I've been thinking (stressing) a lot lately about what to tell to who and when. They down side of putting this story out there is that you all know when these tests are. But even IF there is a positive today, I will need at least 2 more blood tests to confirm viability over the course of the next week. Also, don't you think our parents should know first (and only after confirmed)? I certainly do. So, in other words - consider no news, good news and you'll know when you know. ;) (And, note, thank you for caring.)

As this cycle comes to a close, I feel oddly at peace. I thought a lot over the last two weeks and after discussing with Mike (who really just refers to me in these situations), we decided that if it is negative, we're talking this summer "off". Insurance will only allow 4 per year (which honestly, is plenty to do to a body!) and with only 3 left until April 2018 - we'd have to break at some point anyway. Now, OF COURSE I want that big fat positive (BFP). But I feel also at peace with a break to let my body (and mind) recover from a very stressful first part of this year. We've been testing and having procedures since October, so having some time to "regroup" before starting any additional necessary procedures feels like the right thing to do.  Although... so does planning a nursery. ;)

Thinking happy, positive thoughts! xo

Sometimes, I Miss Me...

The Clomid is kicking my tush this month! I'm sure my husband could tell you differently (he wouldn't - but probably could), but this is the first month I've felt that the medication is make me, um, "short fused". Seriously, everything has set me off. Of course I think I'm being perfectly rational that I became irritated Mike opened 3 sodas in one day. Alright, I literally LOL'd at that one.  Glad that's over - took my last dose of the cycle last night.

But anyway - the hormones are in full swing this month. I was having a particularly reflective day yesterday and came across an infertility support blog/page called missconception.com. A few posts really spoke to me, but nothing compares to this. 

Sometimes, I Miss Me 

I don't always feel like the same old girl who was carefree, spontaneous and adventurous, who you used to know. Now I often feel scared, worried and anxious. There haven't been many months that have gone by where I haven't cried because of these feelings and how desperate I am for this to all go away. I hate having to deal with infertility and I hate that you have to deal with it too. 

She is still there, a bit buried, but still there. She has never fought so hard for something in her life and is surprised sometimes of this strength. She will keep fighting because that's all she can do. She will let the support and comfort of those that love her in. She will remember it will get better. She will hold onto the hope that she sees all around her.

So, this. So so so much of this.

This reflectiveness comes in waves mind you. I'm not sitting crying all the time. Sometimes I'm stalking Pinterest for nursery ideas (hence, how my hopes get raised) and reading every little thing on child development. Ya see, I'm planning for success.  ;)

I guess I shoulda said - my initial ultrasound of this cycle looked fine last week and we're in full swing of attempt #3. Oops... way to bury the lead.  Anyway, day 8 now - Follistim injection tomorrow and Dr. Mottla doubled my dosage this month. This should increase the number and quality of ideal sized follicles. Though hopefully, not too many... Shady Grove's goal is ONE healthy baby. Especially "at our age". (And yeah, how odd is it to say those words... I swear I just graduated college.)

Next monitoring appointment set for Sunday to check said follicle count - and hopefully IUI #3 Tuesday or Wednesday.

Till then...

"I wish I had better news..."

​I don't even know what to say. Got our results on Monday afternoon that our second IUI attempt was unsuccessful. 

I'm just numb. 

I put on a brave face. I say positive things to the people ask how I am. But the truth is I just hurt. It is not lost on me that I am not the first person to go through this. I'm not even the first person I know to go through this. 

I'm not the first person that has had two disappointments, in fact that's fairly common, and I understood that going into this. But the heartbreak that goes along with this... I definitely didn't understand before now. 

In my "dark thoughts", I feel like a dream is slowly slipping away. Somewhere deep down​​ I fear that maybe somehow it's not in the cards and that just leaves me heartbroken. It's hard for me to fathom a life where I'm not a mom.

A chat with a friend regarding the timing of trying again referred me to my last blog post and on trusting God's plan.  And, you know, she said that she would understand if I wanted to delay or quit further treatment.  But maybe, just maybe, God's plans for me are to go through this process for some reason we just don't see yet. So maybe it's not about trusting God's plan like motherhood vs. not - maybe it's about trusting in the journey.

Flowers from Dawn, 4/12/2017:  Keep Praying.
Keep Believing. Keep Loving. Keep The Faith.

Can I just say, my friends are amazing. There are a handful of people who check on me before/after every monitoring, ultrasound, procedure, or bloodwork appointment. They check on me during long waits and send words of encouragement. I will never really be able to let them know what that means to me. Having them in my corner is truly a blessing. Furthermore, they make me NEVER regret the decision of sharing our infertility battle. I can't even imagine not being able to talk this out.

So, what's next? Next, we continue onto round #3. Day 1 should be just around the corner, as soon as the medication works it's way through my system, and then it starts all over again.

Putting #2 behind me and thinking good thoughts.  Full steam ahead.

Do You Trust Me?

This hits me hard when I read it - even time after time. I get that feeling, you know the one, where you can feel the tingle between your eyes like you'll cry at any moment (though to be fair, I get that feeling a lot lately).

It's scary to put those thoughts out there. I don't exactly practice the "every Sunday" part of my Catholic upbring. And as I got older, I feel like I lean a lot more to basic Christianity than the stricter Catholic following. But please don't ever confuse that to mean I don't believe in God, for that couldn't be further from the truth.

But, do I believe strong enough in His plan? Do our fertility struggles mean He doesn't want this for me? Does he think I'd be an awful mother? And... just WHY?

But at the end of the day, I have to trust in something. God, for sure. Medicine, definitely. Patience, oh boy...

We're coming to a close of the two week wait (affectionately known as TWW). We should really just call it hell. Seriously. Actually, it's like limbo. You are to act/do as if you ARE pregnant. You have massive amounts of hormones going through your body - so you are mimicing signs of pregnancy. Yet you're still waiting on the actual news that will hopefully change your life.  There's a cruel joke in there somewhere, I swear.

I'm pretty sure there were at least 30 days in the last two weeks. Definitely felt longer than last time. Maybe cause I've been there before.  Because I've gotten that phone call.  The one you pick up with a cautiously optimistic and a little excited "Hello?", only to hear the "Oh, Dana, I wish I had better news...." on the other end. Then trying desperately to ask what you need to ask before the ugly sobs start.

So here's the thing... this post, I'm not really complaining. Just being real. Seriously, if you could hear my thoughts sometimes... Emotionally, this is the hardest thing I've ever done.

But here goes nothing... "Beta" test Monday morning - results by 3 the same day. And BREATHE...

Time to Re-Group

Yesterday, we received the news that our first IUI procedure was unsuccessful. And while highly common for the first attempt to not result in pregnancy, the disappointment is very, very real. 

I tried to keep a level head thru the last two weeks, but hopes and excitement inevitably got raised as time went on. And now...well now, we restart when ready. 

I've learned so much about myself through this process. I've learned how strong I can actually be, I've learned how I deal with some truly devestating disappointment (for better or worse) and I've learned that my husband truly can see me at worst and hug away the tears. 

And though tears may appear at a seemingly random time, I am TRYING to keep a good outlook and my hopes up.