Sometimes, I Miss Me...

The Clomid is kicking my tush this month! I'm sure my husband could tell you differently (he wouldn't - but probably could), but this is the first month I've felt that the medication is make me, um, "short fused". Seriously, everything has set me off. Of course I think I'm being perfectly rational that I became irritated Mike opened 3 sodas in one day. Alright, I literally LOL'd at that one.  Glad that's over - took my last dose of the cycle last night.

But anyway - the hormones are in full swing this month. I was having a particularly reflective day yesterday and came across an infertility support blog/page called missconception.com. A few posts really spoke to me, but nothing compares to this. 

Sometimes, I Miss Me 

I don't always feel like the same old girl who was carefree, spontaneous and adventurous, who you used to know. Now I often feel scared, worried and anxious. There haven't been many months that have gone by where I haven't cried because of these feelings and how desperate I am for this to all go away. I hate having to deal with infertility and I hate that you have to deal with it too. 

She is still there, a bit buried, but still there. She has never fought so hard for something in her life and is surprised sometimes of this strength. She will keep fighting because that's all she can do. She will let the support and comfort of those that love her in. She will remember it will get better. She will hold onto the hope that she sees all around her.

So, this. So so so much of this.

This reflectiveness comes in waves mind you. I'm not sitting crying all the time. Sometimes I'm stalking Pinterest for nursery ideas (hence, how my hopes get raised) and reading every little thing on child development. Ya see, I'm planning for success.  ;)

I guess I shoulda said - my initial ultrasound of this cycle looked fine last week and we're in full swing of attempt #3. Oops... way to bury the lead.  Anyway, day 8 now - Follistim injection tomorrow and Dr. Mottla doubled my dosage this month. This should increase the number and quality of ideal sized follicles. Though hopefully, not too many... Shady Grove's goal is ONE healthy baby. Especially "at our age". (And yeah, how odd is it to say those words... I swear I just graduated college.)

Next monitoring appointment set for Sunday to check said follicle count - and hopefully IUI #3 Tuesday or Wednesday.

Till then...

"I wish I had better news..."

​I don't even know what to say. Got our results on Monday afternoon that our second IUI attempt was unsuccessful. 

I'm just numb. 

I put on a brave face. I say positive things to the people ask how I am. But the truth is I just hurt. It is not lost on me that I am not the first person to go through this. I'm not even the first person I know to go through this. 

I'm not the first person that has had two disappointments, in fact that's fairly common, and I understood that going into this. But the heartbreak that goes along with this... I definitely didn't understand before now. 

In my "dark thoughts", I feel like a dream is slowly slipping away. Somewhere deep down​​ I fear that maybe somehow it's not in the cards and that just leaves me heartbroken. It's hard for me to fathom a life where I'm not a mom.

A chat with a friend regarding the timing of trying again referred me to my last blog post and on trusting God's plan.  And, you know, she said that she would understand if I wanted to delay or quit further treatment.  But maybe, just maybe, God's plans for me are to go through this process for some reason we just don't see yet. So maybe it's not about trusting God's plan like motherhood vs. not - maybe it's about trusting in the journey.

Flowers from Dawn, 4/12/2017:  Keep Praying.
Keep Believing. Keep Loving. Keep The Faith.

Can I just say, my friends are amazing. There are a handful of people who check on me before/after every monitoring, ultrasound, procedure, or bloodwork appointment. They check on me during long waits and send words of encouragement. I will never really be able to let them know what that means to me. Having them in my corner is truly a blessing. Furthermore, they make me NEVER regret the decision of sharing our infertility battle. I can't even imagine not being able to talk this out.

So, what's next? Next, we continue onto round #3. Day 1 should be just around the corner, as soon as the medication works it's way through my system, and then it starts all over again.

Putting #2 behind me and thinking good thoughts.  Full steam ahead.

Do You Trust Me?

This hits me hard when I read it - even time after time. I get that feeling, you know the one, where you can feel the tingle between your eyes like you'll cry at any moment (though to be fair, I get that feeling a lot lately).

It's scary to put those thoughts out there. I don't exactly practice the "every Sunday" part of my Catholic upbring. And as I got older, I feel like I lean a lot more to basic Christianity than the stricter Catholic following. But please don't ever confuse that to mean I don't believe in God, for that couldn't be further from the truth.

But, do I believe strong enough in His plan? Do our fertility struggles mean He doesn't want this for me? Does he think I'd be an awful mother? And... just WHY?

But at the end of the day, I have to trust in something. God, for sure. Medicine, definitely. Patience, oh boy...

We're coming to a close of the two week wait (affectionately known as TWW). We should really just call it hell. Seriously. Actually, it's like limbo. You are to act/do as if you ARE pregnant. You have massive amounts of hormones going through your body - so you are mimicing signs of pregnancy. Yet you're still waiting on the actual news that will hopefully change your life.  There's a cruel joke in there somewhere, I swear.

I'm pretty sure there were at least 30 days in the last two weeks. Definitely felt longer than last time. Maybe cause I've been there before.  Because I've gotten that phone call.  The one you pick up with a cautiously optimistic and a little excited "Hello?", only to hear the "Oh, Dana, I wish I had better news...." on the other end. Then trying desperately to ask what you need to ask before the ugly sobs start.

So here's the thing... this post, I'm not really complaining. Just being real. Seriously, if you could hear my thoughts sometimes... Emotionally, this is the hardest thing I've ever done.

But here goes nothing... "Beta" test Monday morning - results by 3 the same day. And BREATHE...

A Few Moments of Reflection...

This weekend definitely brought a lot of feelings to the surface.

Saturday we celebrated the anticipation of a new baby coming into the family. And while my joy over another's happiness/blessing is never meant to be shadowed, my emotions were definitely all over the place (couldn't possibly be all the hormones, could it?! ;).

While driving around with my mom, I expressed a thought... what if this doesn't happen. And then it happens. A knot forms in my throat and I can't breathe.

I have seen this "Happiness" quote in some way or another for awhile. But only recently does it hit home in a way I never thought of.

I have a truly beautiful and blessed life.

A big crazy beautiful extended family, some truly life-long friendships, a roof over my head, a job I enjoy, and a cute pup to boot. And (best for) lastly, a husband who truly adores me - and looks at me that way that every young girl dreams of being looked at. Like, how Disney princes look at their princesses.

So, I'm blessed in more ways I can count.

But never before in my wildest nightmares did I factor in NOT being a mother. It went without saying.

So it's hard to even put into words the hurt I feel when I dream I've wanted for so long (and spent years finding the right guy to dream along with) is just out of reach even though I am doing everything I possibly can to make it happen.

But that's just it, isn't it. "...doing everything I (we) possibly can...". It's out of our hands. We've taken the cues and sought out help for our infertility. A step that was just as, if not scarier, than all the actual treatment/procedures. The future is up to a higher power that we just can't explain.

Here We Go Again

After getting the negative pregnancy bloodwork results on Friday, we went back and forth a few times on whether to start back up with my next cycle. 

Day 1 hit like clockwork this Monday, so once we settled some insurance questions (my plan restarts April 1, so we were being responsible and figuring out deductible math) we decided to continue our momentum and start on attempt #2 right away. 

And away we go... I just got back from my Day 3 baseline test.  Since I JUST had a bloodtest, I didn't even need bloodwork (nice to give those veins a rest now and then ;). Just an ultrasound to check around that everything is "ready" to go and make sure there were no cysts.

ALL CLEAR!

I start taking the Clomid tonight thru Sunday and continue with the injections on Day 9, an ultrasound on 11 to check follicle count and hopefully the "trigger" shot that night.  Same course as last time (unless something happens between now and then), if you've been following along. ;)

Then, our 2nd IUI procedure will be around Day 14, and then the dreaded LOOOOOONG two week wait before my "Beta" (pregnancy) bloodwork. 

Funny thing is - that's just a repeat of our last 4 weeks and it feels like FOREVER since the beginning.

But... only way to go is onward. Fingers crossed, hopes in check.... xo

Time to Re-Group

Yesterday, we received the news that our first IUI procedure was unsuccessful. And while highly common for the first attempt to not result in pregnancy, the disappointment is very, very real. 

I tried to keep a level head thru the last two weeks, but hopes and excitement inevitably got raised as time went on. And now...well now, we restart when ready. 

I've learned so much about myself through this process. I've learned how strong I can actually be, I've learned how I deal with some truly devestating disappointment (for better or worse) and I've learned that my husband truly can see me at worst and hug away the tears. 

And though tears may appear at a seemingly random time, I am TRYING to keep a good outlook and my hopes up. 

And now, we wait...

Friday proved to be an intersting day, to say the least. We DID in fact get that call from the Dr. on Wednesday that we were a go! So it was a trigger injection on Wednesday, "day of rest" on Thursday, and procedure on Friday.

Although I was nervous to boot, the procedure went very smoothly. That said, I was in pain the rest of the day. I wasn't expecting to have that much cramping... I only made it through a little over an hour back at work before I had to lay down. Fetal position was really the only way to be comfortable.

I woke up Saturday so much better. Feel strange - but better!

But now, we wait... the dreaded 2 weeks in between procedure and bloodtest.

And though I'm CAUTIOUSLY excited, I'm more of a realist and the chances of the first IUI actually working are only 18-20%.

So March 10th we'll know for sure. Here's hoping for a quick 2 weeks! :)