A twisted sense of relief...

I am miscarrying... and this gives me a very twisted sense of relief.

Tuesday's numbers did rise, but only to 307 (+3%). SO - I had an appointment Wednesday for MORE blood work and an ultrasound to try and find the sac of cells, whose location would give us a hint of miscarriage vs. ectopic pregnancy.

The u/s was pretty inconclusive, since they couldn't find any sac - so we needed to wait for the blood work. Results were then down to 224. This decline almost confirms a miscarriage (rather than ectopic, which would be much more serious). I am scheduled for my next blood draw Friday morning while we're up in PA.

So those are the facts... the emotional toll however is... ::::sigh::::

As you can imagine, we are devastated. It's everything that we hoped for, so close, but gone too way too soon. This has been such a long week of extreme up and downs. In a way, I'm "happy" (?) we kinda knew what was coming since Friday - it's given me time to grieve.

I hope you forgive the randomness of this post, my mind is all over the place.

Even given the outcome, I have to keep positive. WE MADE A BABY! That's something. Now, to be fair, I didn't come to that realization on my own. But while I was feeling down and out, a couple of my friends (and my nurse) brought me that perspective (Amanda, I know you're reading this, so thank you...).

I've said it before, I'll say it again, the support has been uplifting on so many levels. From random people who I haven't spoken to in years - who've reached out to say they were thinking about me, to the handful of friends who I feel lucky enough to be able to lean on, vent to or sometime talk about ANYTHING else to make me feel normal. 

This struggle is difficult, and sometimes I feel like this has taken over my life, not to mention my marriage. The tracking, the monitoring, the blood tests, the drug and injection schedule -  they can certainly take over a life.

Especially now, it's time for a break. I will never not want a baby of my own. I will forever be wanting to be a mom. But, after 36 months of trying and 7 months of testing and procedures, this girl's mind, body and soul need a recharge. Some perspective. Some time that does not revolve around my next appointment or injection. And doesn't summer seem to be a beautiful time to recharge, with nights on the patio with a cocktail?

Keep praying my friends. We're not done trying yet.

xoxo

I am BROKEN...

Do you KNOW how hard it is to not share news like this?!

First off, telling Mike about our positive test Wednesday night was the most beautiful thing I have ever done. (I wrapped up those "baby" goldfish crackers - which sounds silly, but the real ones are his favorite snack to have on hand so it was personal to us - plus, it's not like it was a surprise that I had news.

Friday morning, I had Beta #2. Numbers should double - or at least increase by 60%, per SG. I went in so cockey. 265 is a fantastic starting number and though I knew I was a few tests away, my confidence was soaring. 

Ann called that afternoon with a test result number of 300. Only a13% increase. She said it was looking like the pregnancy was ectopic. My heart fell into my stomach and it hasn't moved since then. After work, I napped/cried - where Reagan literally laid next to me in the bed licking away my tears for 2 hours. God bless him.

I am beside myself. This is WORSE than a plain ol' negative. There was so much hope, and with good reason. Now we're just in limbo.

As I've said, nothing is by one test. I have a 3rd beta tomorrow morning. This will be 96 hours after the last, and this way we will know one way or another. Doing the math - 60% increases every 48 hours, I should have numbers between about 1100-1200 tomorrow.

If my numbers have gone down, it will mean I'm miscarrying. If my numbers have risen, but not at a high enough number - it will display as an ectopic pregnancy (at pregnancy outside the uterus), most likely the Fallopian tube - and will need to be terminated. Trust me, the only thing worse than a negative test is an nonviable pregnancy. I am heartbroken and hurting on so many levels, I can't even explain. Tomorrow should be an interesting/emotional day. (For the record, I don't think my numbers are doing down. I am still getting a positive home pregnancy test.)

I should of course mention, there is a sliver of hope that Friday's test was a fluke and all is well. A very small sliver of hope, but it's happened. I've been talking with my support group(s), which has helped a bit. There are some success stories out there and I'm more positive thinking than I was Friday/Saturday. After all, there is still a baby in there who needs my positivity, not negativity.



(This post, written 5/15, was kept private. But I still wanted to keep a record of this time...)