I am BROKEN...

Do you KNOW how hard it is to not share news like this?!

First off, telling Mike about our positive test Wednesday night was the most beautiful thing I have ever done. (I wrapped up those "baby" goldfish crackers - which sounds silly, but the real ones are his favorite snack to have on hand so it was personal to us - plus, it's not like it was a surprise that I had news.

Friday morning, I had Beta #2. Numbers should double - or at least increase by 60%, per SG. I went in so cockey. 265 is a fantastic starting number and though I knew I was a few tests away, my confidence was soaring. 

Ann called that afternoon with a test result number of 300. Only a13% increase. She said it was looking like the pregnancy was ectopic. My heart fell into my stomach and it hasn't moved since then. After work, I napped/cried - where Reagan literally laid next to me in the bed licking away my tears for 2 hours. God bless him.

I am beside myself. This is WORSE than a plain ol' negative. There was so much hope, and with good reason. Now we're just in limbo.

As I've said, nothing is by one test. I have a 3rd beta tomorrow morning. This will be 96 hours after the last, and this way we will know one way or another. Doing the math - 60% increases every 48 hours, I should have numbers between about 1100-1200 tomorrow.

If my numbers have gone down, it will mean I'm miscarrying. If my numbers have risen, but not at a high enough number - it will display as an ectopic pregnancy (at pregnancy outside the uterus), most likely the Fallopian tube - and will need to be terminated. Trust me, the only thing worse than a negative test is an nonviable pregnancy. I am heartbroken and hurting on so many levels, I can't even explain. Tomorrow should be an interesting/emotional day. (For the record, I don't think my numbers are doing down. I am still getting a positive home pregnancy test.)

I should of course mention, there is a sliver of hope that Friday's test was a fluke and all is well. A very small sliver of hope, but it's happened. I've been talking with my support group(s), which has helped a bit. There are some success stories out there and I'm more positive thinking than I was Friday/Saturday. After all, there is still a baby in there who needs my positivity, not negativity.



(This post, written 5/15, was kept private. But I still wanted to keep a record of this time...)